Practising the Art of Detached Involvement

To achieve authentic detachment and the practice of ‘detached involvement’ that we began to explore last week, it’s necessary to see and understand how attachment happens exactly.  One of the best metaphors for understanding the mechanism and process of ‘attachment’ is the cinema.  There we are in the auditorium aware of our self patiently waiting for the start of the movie.  When it does begin and all those coloured lights start dancing across what was a blank white screen we may notice how we ‘seem’ to leave your body in the seat and go into the story on the screen.  We get lost in the story and eventually lose our self in the characters.  What they feel we feel, what they go through we go through, as we live vicariously through them.  Some more than others of course!

What few of us notice in such situations is that the movie isn’t really playing ‘out there’ on the cinema screen.  That’s just flickering lights on a flat screen. The movie is really playing on the screen of our minds.  We use the images on the screen ‘out there’ to create our own version of the story ‘in here’.  And then we ‘go into’ the story and into the characters on the screen of our mind as we create them.  This is ‘where’ the attachment takes place.  Attachment is not a static thing!  Attachment is a dynamic, changing, moving process within our consciousness as we continuously ‘lose our self’ in what is ‘on’ our mind.  And what is most frequently ‘on’ our mind are the stories about others, situations and objects that we create ‘in here’.  Yes people, situations and objects etc. are ‘out there’ but our versions of them are our ‘imaged creations’… in here!

As we bring what is happening around us in the office, at home, in the newspapers etc. into our consciousness we re-create all that is ‘out there’ on our mind ‘in here’ and then we lose our self in our creation of the world, the office, the home etc. ‘in here’. The moment/s of losing our self in what is ‘on’ our mind is what attachment is.  As a consequence we become extremely vulnerable to the inevitable change/s that take place in the world, office, home etc.  And when changes ‘out there’ do happen it’s as if it is happening to us.  So we take it personally and become ‘agitated’ in our consciousness.  This agitation takes various forms and is what we know as ‘emotion’.  And it’s those emotions (sadnessess/angers/fears) that keep us busy with our self on the inside and less available, sometimes partially available and often not available at all for others. 

Watching Your Own Movies

When we are busy losing our self in our creation and the consequent agitations it’s a sign that we are attached and trapped in the stories that we create and project onto the screen of our mind.  Being fully available and present for others therefore requires that we ‘detach’ and cease creating and getting lost in our stories so that we can fully connect with others… OR…create the stories (the movies on our mind) but retain the awareness that they are only stories and therefore not something to lose our self in!  Just as the director of a Hollywood movie does not mistake the movie they are making for reality, so we stay awake and aware that the stories we create of and about the world out there….in here…are only representations of that reality filtered through and shaped by our experiences and beliefs and therefore not the ‘real’ and original thing.  This allows us to practice staying in the mode known as the ‘detached observer’.  Thus we keep our self internally free and therefore our intellect (our ‘third’ eye) is free and ‘non-reactive’ allowing us to ‘discern’ and create the most appropriate ‘response’.    This is why ‘detachment’ is the bridge from knee jerk reaction to measured and conscious response.  

When we are fully awake and aware of our self being the creator of the stories on the screen of our mind we do not get lost in the stories.  It’s as if we are sitting in the cinema watching the movie without losing our awareness that it’s just a movie and we are just an observer of the unfolding story.  Just as we are aware that it’s just flickering lights on a flat cinema screen so, in the auditorium of our consciousness, we are aware that there are many thoughts in the form of images passing across the screen of our minds. 

Are You Emotionally Addicted?

However if we want to continue to be ‘emotionally agitated’ it means we are addicted to the stimulations of our emotional dramas.  Most of us do tend to be addicted to some form of emotional agitation which is why the idea of detachment can easily be perceived as threatening the supply of our emotional drugs!  It’s our addiction to these emotional ‘drugs’ that keep us creating ‘dramas’ out of nothing and keep us habitually attached to some story on the screen of our mind.  It’s the search for our emotional drugs that disconnects from others OR has us trying to push the others buttons to get them to react emotionally so that we then have an excuse to do the same!  In such ‘scenarios’ we become what we sometimes refer to as ‘drama queens’!

This is why the practice known as ‘detached involvement’ is ultimately the foundation of true friendship, great parenting, effective leadership and our ability to help, counsel, coach and motivate others in both formal and informal settings.

Signs of the Practical Application of Detached Involvement

There are seven dynamic signs of ‘detached involvement’ in action and therefore of someone who has freed themselves from both emotional suffering and the emotional addiction that arises from all forms of attachment.

1  In the mode of detached involvement you don’t get sucked into the dramas of others or live vicariously through others.  You are able to listen to their stories without being emotionally affected.  It’s as if you are warm, open and receptive while being calm, cool and collected at the same time.  Not an easy skill when the ‘other’ often expects you to mimic and join in their emotional turmoils and perhaps affirm their victimhood.

2  In the mode of detached involvement then when it’s time for things to ‘leave’ you, things like your job, money, people etc. you do not suffer emotionally.  It’s not a ‘bad’ thing if you do suffer, as emotional pain is not a question of good or bad – it’s just a ‘signal’ and therefore an opportunity to investigate the cause of your suffering.  As all emotional suffering is ultimately self created it means that if you can find the root cause (always attachment) then you can set your self free.  You make the shift from reacting to responding and your inner choice is restored.

3  In the mode of detached involvement you are able to be more fully present for others in the moment we call ‘now’.  You no longer create a fictional story and waste energy in worrying about what may happen (what may be lost) and therefore what emotion ‘you’ may ‘feel’ in the future.  Worry is always speculative fear based thinking about losing something you are attached to… in the future.  This can range from specific things or people or to your levels of comfort within your lifestyle etc. 

4  In the mode of detached involvement your intellect is free of bias and prejudice (attachment to deep and often subconscious beliefs) and can clearly discern and respond to the deeper issues and significance that lie behind internal and external events. You cease to filter the world ‘out there’ through the beliefs and perceptions that you once were attached to ‘in here’. You can discern cleanly and clearly exactly what is going on!

5  In the mode of detached involvement you may set out to achieve a goal but if you don’t arrive on time you don’t beat your self up.  You don’t start your ‘I am a failure/non acheiver’ self-talk.  You are not ‘attached’ to the outcome so your motivation and enthusiasm is fear free and therefore much more sustainable.  When your happiness ceases to be dependent on reaching your goals the journey truly does become the destination and now you can ‘appreciate’ all the views along the way!

6  In the mode of detached involvement while you may have expectations of others your happiness is no longer dependent on anyone meeting your expectations.   You are no longer dependent on others behaviours to ‘make’ you happy.  You are free.

7  In the mode of detached involvement no person or event in the world can shock or shake you.  You know that ‘stuff happens’ and as a ‘detached observer’ of the game of life known as ‘continuous change’ you are able to watch and respond in ways that may help others out of their shocks and shakings!  Your detachment defines your availability for others – another seeming paradox to our conditioned minds. 

Question:  What are the two main stories that you are currently creating and losing your self in?

Reflection:  Why do you think you keep creating these stories – what are the emotional agitations you are addicted to?

Action:  Consciously practice the awareness of the ‘detached observer’ of the movies on the screen of our mind.